What Obama Should Have Said

My fellow Americans, the State of the Union is, well, honestly, still pretty bad. Some of my supporters are still trying to blame everything on bad old George Bush, and for quite a while it worked, but not anymore. Hey, I’ve been President for three years now, and much as I hate to admit it, at some point I guess I have to take some responsibility here.

After all, I AM President. I wanted the job. And for the first two years of my Presidency, we controlled everything – the House, the Senate and the Presidency. And we got what we wanted. That Stimulus package was huge — $800 billion. Unfortunately, it didn’t work. Fortunately, I’ve got friendly liberal economists like Paul Krugman who still pedal the idea that the problem with the Stimulus wasn’t that we spent too much, but that it should have been even bigger. Just between you and me, I know that’s a lot of bunk, but it’s nice to have them out there saying it.

And then there’s health care. Here’s where we really screwed up. With the lousy economy, I had said I’d focus on it like a laser beam. Instead I got distracted on my dream, and the dream of every liberal here in Washington for years, to have government run everybody’s health care. We used every trick in the book, but we got it passed. We figured that people would eventually grow to love it – but they haven’t. In fact, they hate it more now than they did when we passed it. If I can beat Mitt or Newt or whoever the Republicans pick, then I’ve got a chance of making my health care takeover permanent. But if I lose, and the Republicans control Congress, they’ll get rid of it in a heartbeat. So the stakes are really big this year.

Enough about health care. Let’s talk about spending. Well I guess health care is about spending, but I digress. Anyway, it was brought to my attention that by pure coincidence, today, the day I’m giving my State of the Union address, is the 1,000th day since the Senate last passed a budget – that’s three years! Now they’re supposed to pass a budget every year, but my close political ally, Harry Reid, who runs the place, has decided that a budget would be too restrictive on their spending habits, so they just ignore this responsibility. Those Republicans in the House, fools, have insisted on passing a budget every year. That’s kept me from spending even more than I have. And their most recent budget, the so-called Ryan Budget, which actually would have addressed some of Medicare’s challenges, gave me and my political allies the opportunity to run a TV ad with a Paul Ryan look-alike actor pushing a little old lady over a cliff. Subtle, huh!

Speaking of those Republicans in the House, this would be a good opportunity to share with you my strategy for winning re-election this year, and therefore being able to come back and give you the State of the Union address next year. Although I think I share a lot of qualities with another of our greatest Presidents, Abraham Lincoln, (we’re both from Illinois after all), I’m going to be Harry Truman this year. I intend to run against a do-nothing Congress. Yeah, I know that John Boehner’s House has passed 30 different jobs bills over the last year, none of which has been taken up by my buddy Harry Reid’s Senate, I think it just might work. Let’s face it, very few people differentiate between the House and the Senate – it’s just Congress, and everybody hates Congress.

In conclusion, hope and change. No, wait. That’s what I used last campaign. No one’s going to buy that one again. How about “Let’s do it for the children.” No, that’s been used before too. How about “If I’m elected, I’ll close Guantanamo Bay.” No…

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